The world of people who have started processing less than fuzzy emotions about adoption is really different than the one that social workers and adoption advocates promote.
It's really strange, the whole reunion process and realizing that you have a whole family that you haven't been allowed to be with.It's confusing even if you try not to have any feelings about it.And when some adoptees realize that there was a big loss for them, they often feel angry. Angry at the system, angry at adoptive parents and angry at biological parents.
Some don't go through his angry phase at all, we all process emotions differently. Saying that all adoptees will be angry is like saying that all teenagers will be angry and obnoxious.
Some teenagers are and some aren't. And sometimes it's because of parenting techniques and sometimes it's just a developmental and normal phase.
So before you totally freak out, try to take a deep breath. Unfortunately, pain and anger are part of the journey for a portion of adoptees often as they get older and start realizing they have emotions about it. Sometimes it's when they search and reunite, sometimes it's when they give birth and realize how much of a loss it must have been for their biofamily. But it does happen that for most of us adoptees, we have emotions about it and often experience loss.
Adoptees feeling loss about adoption kind of messes up the way adoption is supposed to work. It's supposed to be BETTER. They aren't supposed to feel a loss. Their supposed to have a better life. Many adoptive parents, adoption workers, biological parents, and other adoptees lash out at adoptees who say they feel a loss.
So what you are seeing is the backlash against that back lash. It's really hard to realize that you have emotions of loss and then be told, "no you don't. You can't because it's incompatible with my understanding of adoption and how adoptees should feel, so your adoptive parents must have messed up or there's just something wrong with you" Adoptees often wind up getting angry and feeling like "All adoptive parents are unable to understand the loss in adoption."
This has nothing to do with you.
Adoptees are prepared for you to not understand. And in assuming that you aren't able to understand the message they send, they make it less likely that you will understand.
Unfortunately.
Of course you love your adopted children as much as any mother (and probably more than many mothers). Blood doesn't make a family. Love does. And the love that biological parents feel for their children often tears at their hearts and souls as fiercely as the love that you have for your children in raising them. Which is why, in cases where this is true, I believe that they are parents, equally. If you do tread into the waters of "feelings" about adoption that may surprise or sadden you, take spiritual comfort of your faith, or deepest self, and an open heart.
I do seek reform to help provide resources to expectant parents. I would love to be able to do more. Until the level of resources and support matches the needs of all expectant parents, I can't feel like every adoption decision was fully willfully made. Most women don't WANT to lose their newborn babies. They may feel forced by circumstances to submit to relinquishment for the sake of a better life, but not very many woman want to let someone else take their newborn baby and never return.
It's a huge trauma.
One that I would like to prevent any women who wish to avoid it from experiencing.
Now there will, no matter what, be a portion of women who TRULY don't want to parent. They don't feel motherly instincts, they don't want the responsibility, they don't want to give up drugs, drinking partying, they want to focus on career and not be dragged down by a child.
There will always be reasons that a relinquishment may actually be the desired outcome for the expectant mother. And there will always be some women who are in the midst of a crisis that is simply to big to fix in nine months.
But adoption agencies don't encourage women to work through the issues that they feel would impair their parenting. They overwhelm women with fact about parenting being hard and expensive and single parents having terrible outcomes. They say "it's your choice, do the right thing" but the facts they give about adoption vs parenting are misleading and focused on adoption being the "most loving option"
They don't present the reality that adoptees are over represented in mental health care. They don't present that many adoptees express that they miss their biofamilies and they do feel that it was a loss.
A loss they shouldn't have to go through unless there was no way they could have a good life with their family of origin. And good doesn't have to mean two parent home. Research is telling now that the correlation between bad outcomes is not the same as causality. Single mothers who create a stable consistent loving environment for their children have similar outcomes for their children.
Preventing circumstantial coercion, as well as negligent and adoption targeted counseling techniques for expectant parents is in the best interest of adoptees, biological parents AND adoptive parents.
None of this means that you have done anything wrong or that your situation was coercive. At all! I have no idea what your situation is like! But if you as an adoptive parent, get on board with supporting ethics in adoption, you can change a situation that is causing pain for a lot of people.
Adoptive parents against coercion! : )
And if in doing this reading that you are doing, which will be hard reading, if you do think back and realize that maybe, maybe it would have been better if the biological mother would have kept, (I'm not saying that's the case! but many adoptive parents start to think it might be when they start reading into these ethics issues) if you find that you realize there may have been pain there, and that perhaps that separation could have been prevented, remember.... none of us, not I, not you, not your daughters biological mother, none of us can know what will know in the future. We can only know the present. And in that moment, with those circumstance, that support (whether coercive or not) , that idea about what life would be like with bio vs an adoptive family... everyone did the best they could. Everyone involved put a lot of thought and a lot of love into what they hoped would be the best. We can learn, and look to change the future, while also having love and compassion for the decisions we made in the past.
So please don't lose heart if you see angry words, or sentiments against adoption. If you hear a biological parent state "I wish that I still had my child here with me" and personalize then you would think that your childs biological parent feels that. But that's certainly not what was said.
Many biological parents come to feel that adoption was not the right choice for themselves, or their children. And they live with the pain of that separation every day. As you can imagine from the loss you've experienced, it is excruciating. And the fact that their children are alive , there is no reason that they can't be together every day, other than that an adoptive parent doesn't want to allow it, and the biological parent signed something that gives the adoptive parent permission to get what they want and deny the mother and child any relationship. That's it. They signed themselves into hell. And they can't undo it. To uphold an agreement made under such circumstantial duress, against the future will of the signee, seems a great cruelty.
And that is what it is. Most biological parents never share these feelings with adoptive parents of course. They try to control such feelings. They remind themselves adoption is "right" and can't be questioned. Wanting to see and parent your child is "selfish" and something that only a selfish bad birthmother would do. But for most biological parents, those feelings have had a space.
I want to help prevent other women, who know that deep down they want to parent, from feeling that they can't find the resources they need, emotional, psychological, and financial to be the parent they want to be for their child. I would like for no more children to grow up and find a biological parent in pain, the kind of pain that my biological mother is in, even despite all her genuine attempts at healing and "moving on". I cried for her at night when I was a child.
She was a martyr to me, obviously as I repeated the same scenario. And it is every bit as painful and in fact endlessly more excruciating then all that I imagined it was when I was a child.
And I believe it's wrong. To keep family members separated simply because they were facing dire circumstances and succumb to the worst possible solution that could be presented to any family. To break the family in two.
Here are some adoptive parent blogs who have looked into the adoptee/biological parent experience and may provide insights as well as comfort from the blows of insensitive commenters.
http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/
http://www.thiswomanswork.com/
http://osolomama.wordpress.com/
http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/
http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/
and some biological mothers:
http://www.musingsofthelame.com/
http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/
http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thanksgiving Truth- Native Americans
If you haven't read into the history of thanksgiving from a Native's perspective, please take some time to do so. Share the truth with your children in an age appropriate way. This time is a time of thanks. It should also be a time of somber reflection on what has taken place in this country, and the issues that are STILL affecting Native people.
Here's a start:
http://ndnnews.blogspot.com/2008/11/dismantling-thanksgiving-myths-native.html
Here's a start:
http://ndnnews.blogspot.com/2008/11/dismantling-thanksgiving-myths-native.html
Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up this morning with a little grinning toddler in my face. I said "Happy thanksgiving!" He said "Happy thanksgiving!"
More grinning and hopping on top of momma. Then he says, "Is a birthday? Happy birthday tooooo yoooou"
He is pretty certain that Happy Thanksgiving has got to be at least SOMEbodies birthday.
I am incredibly happy to see my family. The sounds of their voices, and their presence is such a deep comfort.
Happy thanksgiving everyone.
More grinning and hopping on top of momma. Then he says, "Is a birthday? Happy birthday tooooo yoooou"
He is pretty certain that Happy Thanksgiving has got to be at least SOMEbodies birthday.
I am incredibly happy to see my family. The sounds of their voices, and their presence is such a deep comfort.
Happy thanksgiving everyone.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
International Day Against violence to women
So last night I got to hear some domestic violence in action. Sigh. They were physically fighting I guess outside some where? I couldn't tell where, lot's of screaming f-word full volume and it sounded like fist fighting. I yelled "Hey hey hey, you guys cool it or I'm calling the police!" They stopped within 5 seconds.
You know in hindsight this probably wasn't the right thing to do. I'm wishing I had listened closer to determine where it was coming from and reported it.
Where I used to work we saw fist fights fairly often. I worked with a population often heavily addicted to drugs, with lots of mental and emotional issues. People who are prone to throw chairs across the room, scream in your face, wait til the facility closes and beat up a person whose been hiding inside. Or just plan pound through the room punching on each other.
If you held up a cell phone and said, "Ok I'm calling the police" It almost always ended immediately. A few times it didn't. I remember one employee got in between two kids and got smashed out of the way. Our policy was NOT to intervene, but if there was a kid who was obviously smaller and more psychologically burdened, you really wanted to intervene.
We saw young men and women turn up bruised, having experienced all sort of violence and cruelty from each other. It was a really overwhelming job. So my instinct was to yell "I'm going to call the police."
Which probably only succeeded in giving them the opportunity to tone it down and escape being reported. Not that the police can force a couple to separate if there is violence. But if a woman (or man) is wanting to escape from an abusive situation and doesn't know how, they might be able to offer the opportunity.
So in general, on this anti violence to women day, please, be gentle with each other folk. Be gentle to women, and be gentle to men to while you're at it. If you are in an abusive situation, go get help!
Kellevision has a nice post on escaping from abuse:
http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2009/11/leave-an-abuser.html#more
You know in hindsight this probably wasn't the right thing to do. I'm wishing I had listened closer to determine where it was coming from and reported it.
Where I used to work we saw fist fights fairly often. I worked with a population often heavily addicted to drugs, with lots of mental and emotional issues. People who are prone to throw chairs across the room, scream in your face, wait til the facility closes and beat up a person whose been hiding inside. Or just plan pound through the room punching on each other.
If you held up a cell phone and said, "Ok I'm calling the police" It almost always ended immediately. A few times it didn't. I remember one employee got in between two kids and got smashed out of the way. Our policy was NOT to intervene, but if there was a kid who was obviously smaller and more psychologically burdened, you really wanted to intervene.
We saw young men and women turn up bruised, having experienced all sort of violence and cruelty from each other. It was a really overwhelming job. So my instinct was to yell "I'm going to call the police."
Which probably only succeeded in giving them the opportunity to tone it down and escape being reported. Not that the police can force a couple to separate if there is violence. But if a woman (or man) is wanting to escape from an abusive situation and doesn't know how, they might be able to offer the opportunity.
So in general, on this anti violence to women day, please, be gentle with each other folk. Be gentle to women, and be gentle to men to while you're at it. If you are in an abusive situation, go get help!
Kellevision has a nice post on escaping from abuse:
http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2009/11/leave-an-abuser.html#more
Monday, November 16, 2009
Contraindications for Holistic Health and Alternative Therapies
If you have a serious condition, or even a minor condition that you want to treat holistically, the first thing to do is get a licensed professionals opinion. You don't have to agree with their opinion, but use western diagnotics, find out as much as you can scientifically about the condition, research research, research and DO NOT believe that because something says "holistic" it is automatically harmless and "worth a try".
If you happen to have some bling, it's nice to find a doctor who is medically trained in both western and holistic care. One thing to remember, no matter which form of treatment you are looking for, is to always try to get a variety of opinions from a number of professionals with different perspectives. You might go to your family doctor and say you're experiencing a lot of stress and recently have started to get anxious and tunnel vision when you get scared. You're doctor shrugs and says, "Well you could take paxil. Or you could be schizophrenic. Here's some paxil, I have some here."
Uh, huh? If you doubt something your doctor tells you PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Doctors are just people. They have done more research than those of us who have not studied at their level and they should be consulted, but never understimate the value of skepiticism and finding second (third, fourth) opions in order to find the doctor that you most trust and you feel is most educated and has your best interest at heart.
Doctors are often very busy people. They did a lot of research and for many of them, once they finished school, they considered themselves done with their education, all knowledge gained set in stone. This isn't really in line with the nature of scientific knowledge which is ever changing and growing. So even a really good doctor, if set in stone, may miss some things that could actually change your life.
Also doctors believe the pharmaceutical companies. I mean really, I think they take an oath to never ever question that pharmaceutical medicines may not always be the first choice for EVERY SINGLE HUMAN CONDITION. (Just kidding there are A LOT of awesome doctors who do question.)
But the point is, if you want a realistic perspective on big pharma, you're actually going to have a hard time getting a "pros and cons" from an MD. MD use big pharma every day, they trust it, their jobs are invested in it, they've profited from it, they believe it helps people, and it probably has helped many people they've treated. Questioning big pharma is scary, unsettling, and feels like an attack of something sacred that saves lives.
The reality is, even wonderful things, with life saving capabilities, still need to be held up to scrutiny and face real criticism. They may be able to save lives and that is AMAZING, that doesn't mean you need heart surgery to treat acid reflux.
The reluctance of many medical doctors to question big pharma and practices that are set in stone in their minds, have brought many people to trust holistic health care as it's methods tend to have little or no side effects, and often promise a recovery that no longer requires medical treatment at all. Achieving "homeostasis" the bodies ability to function in balance on it's own without medicine, is one of the greatest goals in holistic health care.
The problem is, that many people all things labelled as holistic as being harmless and safe. The reality is, herbs and supplements are starting to make profits that are going to be comparing with the big guys fairly soon. THEY'VE GOT A FINANCIAL INCENTIVE to get you to buy this stuff.
When you research any herb or supplement the fist thing you see is a whole lot of information coming from companies that want to sell you products. This is NOT the best way to get information about an herb or supplement you want to take. Try typing in the supplement name along with "contra-indication" or "side effects". Wikipedia often has some fairly accurate information on supplements.
The reality is, we need more clinical research done on most of these supplements. They can in fact cause problems if taken in doses that are too high, and sometimes even in recommended doses.
Holistic healthcare also involves therapies like yoga, accupunture, reiki, homeopathy, special diets and massage. Certain breathwork, yoga postures, and prolonged medtitation can actually produce manic states in people who have never known themselves to have mental health issues before. Fasting, especially if done improperly, but even sometimes done under the supervision of a mentor, can cause MANY people to go "over the edge". Herbert Shelton was an advocate of fasting for over half a century and wrote numerous books on the subject. He also guided two patients to their deaths will doing his fasts.
Recently Colleen Conaway leapt to her death after a prolonged fast lead by James Arthur Ray this past July. Fasting affects sleep cycles, and blood sugar and can in fact induce manic episodes and non schizophrenic psychosis, especially in women. That doesn't mean fasting doesn't potential have benefits, it means research before fasting, and end a fast immediately if you begin to feel surreal, have panic attacks, cry uncontrollably, feel disconnected with your body, feel confused and overwhelmed, feel like you're going to loose control etc etc.
My personal advise is to avoid ANY guide who asks you to "push through" feelings of this nature and continue doing the fast/yoga routine/meditation activity/breathwork. Please, take a break from any activity that is bringing you to this kind of place. Cartharsis has it's place, but prolonged and intense emotional catharsis could actually be harming your emotional health, or could actually be a sign that you're body is asking you to stop doing the practices you're doing to yourself.
A woman in the UK thought she was taking Chinese herbs to heal her hair loss, apparently, the was destroying her liver. Read story here. Apparantly, there's a brand new disease specically caused by chinese herbs (or possibly an impure version of chinese herbs). Read here.
The point isn't that holistic health is not worth using, the point is that you should be just as skeptical of someone trying to sell you natural health remedies or therapies as you are of that paxil your doctor offered after listening to one sentence about how you've been feeling.
Be careful. Listen to your internal, physical and emotional responses to any sort of therapy, medicine, or supplement, and don't let someones genuine belief that they have "the answer" blind you to research, doubt, and think critically about what they are promoting.
If you happen to have some bling, it's nice to find a doctor who is medically trained in both western and holistic care. One thing to remember, no matter which form of treatment you are looking for, is to always try to get a variety of opinions from a number of professionals with different perspectives. You might go to your family doctor and say you're experiencing a lot of stress and recently have started to get anxious and tunnel vision when you get scared. You're doctor shrugs and says, "Well you could take paxil. Or you could be schizophrenic. Here's some paxil, I have some here."
Uh, huh? If you doubt something your doctor tells you PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Doctors are just people. They have done more research than those of us who have not studied at their level and they should be consulted, but never understimate the value of skepiticism and finding second (third, fourth) opions in order to find the doctor that you most trust and you feel is most educated and has your best interest at heart.
Doctors are often very busy people. They did a lot of research and for many of them, once they finished school, they considered themselves done with their education, all knowledge gained set in stone. This isn't really in line with the nature of scientific knowledge which is ever changing and growing. So even a really good doctor, if set in stone, may miss some things that could actually change your life.
Also doctors believe the pharmaceutical companies. I mean really, I think they take an oath to never ever question that pharmaceutical medicines may not always be the first choice for EVERY SINGLE HUMAN CONDITION. (Just kidding there are A LOT of awesome doctors who do question.)
But the point is, if you want a realistic perspective on big pharma, you're actually going to have a hard time getting a "pros and cons" from an MD. MD use big pharma every day, they trust it, their jobs are invested in it, they've profited from it, they believe it helps people, and it probably has helped many people they've treated. Questioning big pharma is scary, unsettling, and feels like an attack of something sacred that saves lives.
The reality is, even wonderful things, with life saving capabilities, still need to be held up to scrutiny and face real criticism. They may be able to save lives and that is AMAZING, that doesn't mean you need heart surgery to treat acid reflux.
The reluctance of many medical doctors to question big pharma and practices that are set in stone in their minds, have brought many people to trust holistic health care as it's methods tend to have little or no side effects, and often promise a recovery that no longer requires medical treatment at all. Achieving "homeostasis" the bodies ability to function in balance on it's own without medicine, is one of the greatest goals in holistic health care.
The problem is, that many people all things labelled as holistic as being harmless and safe. The reality is, herbs and supplements are starting to make profits that are going to be comparing with the big guys fairly soon. THEY'VE GOT A FINANCIAL INCENTIVE to get you to buy this stuff.
When you research any herb or supplement the fist thing you see is a whole lot of information coming from companies that want to sell you products. This is NOT the best way to get information about an herb or supplement you want to take. Try typing in the supplement name along with "contra-indication" or "side effects". Wikipedia often has some fairly accurate information on supplements.
The reality is, we need more clinical research done on most of these supplements. They can in fact cause problems if taken in doses that are too high, and sometimes even in recommended doses.
Holistic healthcare also involves therapies like yoga, accupunture, reiki, homeopathy, special diets and massage. Certain breathwork, yoga postures, and prolonged medtitation can actually produce manic states in people who have never known themselves to have mental health issues before. Fasting, especially if done improperly, but even sometimes done under the supervision of a mentor, can cause MANY people to go "over the edge". Herbert Shelton was an advocate of fasting for over half a century and wrote numerous books on the subject. He also guided two patients to their deaths will doing his fasts.
Recently Colleen Conaway leapt to her death after a prolonged fast lead by James Arthur Ray this past July. Fasting affects sleep cycles, and blood sugar and can in fact induce manic episodes and non schizophrenic psychosis, especially in women. That doesn't mean fasting doesn't potential have benefits, it means research before fasting, and end a fast immediately if you begin to feel surreal, have panic attacks, cry uncontrollably, feel disconnected with your body, feel confused and overwhelmed, feel like you're going to loose control etc etc.
My personal advise is to avoid ANY guide who asks you to "push through" feelings of this nature and continue doing the fast/yoga routine/meditation activity/breathwork. Please, take a break from any activity that is bringing you to this kind of place. Cartharsis has it's place, but prolonged and intense emotional catharsis could actually be harming your emotional health, or could actually be a sign that you're body is asking you to stop doing the practices you're doing to yourself.
A woman in the UK thought she was taking Chinese herbs to heal her hair loss, apparently, the was destroying her liver. Read story here. Apparantly, there's a brand new disease specically caused by chinese herbs (or possibly an impure version of chinese herbs). Read here.
The point isn't that holistic health is not worth using, the point is that you should be just as skeptical of someone trying to sell you natural health remedies or therapies as you are of that paxil your doctor offered after listening to one sentence about how you've been feeling.
Be careful. Listen to your internal, physical and emotional responses to any sort of therapy, medicine, or supplement, and don't let someones genuine belief that they have "the answer" blind you to research, doubt, and think critically about what they are promoting.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Legalized Child Trafficking in America
If you don't think child trafficking happens in America, please read Osolomama's recent post:
http://osolomama.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/child-for-sale-unknown-gender-indiana-up-to-39k/
While child trafficking in it's legal form in America, usually results in children being in homes that we hope are safe, the fact that huge amounts of money are being paid for children based on supply and demand economics is disturbing.
A Caucasian child costs up to 30,000 dollars MORE than an African American child. Where does that 30,000 go? Does this not disturb anyone? Price lists can be found all over the internet, and the fact that this is legal is out right morally unethical, and should be legally abolished.
http://osolomama.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/child-for-sale-unknown-gender-indiana-up-to-39k/
While child trafficking in it's legal form in America, usually results in children being in homes that we hope are safe, the fact that huge amounts of money are being paid for children based on supply and demand economics is disturbing.
A Caucasian child costs up to 30,000 dollars MORE than an African American child. Where does that 30,000 go? Does this not disturb anyone? Price lists can be found all over the internet, and the fact that this is legal is out right morally unethical, and should be legally abolished.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Ethics, Compassion and the Potential Adoptive Parent
I am deeply moved by the number of adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents I see reading adoptee and first parent blogs with open minds and open hearts. Never before have adoptive parents been able to look deep into the soul of the adoptee or biological parent.
If you are an adoptive parent or a PAP, know this, you have a greater amount of power than you can fully realize. We need you to open your eyes, witness the suffering of the system as it is, make sure that you adopt and continue with your adoption journey as ethically as possibly, and advocate for ethical practices in your blogs, to the agencies, and in the way you live your life. While the public hears a biological mother rambling about her pain and loss and sees a complainer, an adoptive parent advocating for compassion for the loss of first families reaches people on a more profound level.
While the public hears an adoptee who even kindly claims that they are worried about ethics in adoption and say they have felt a loss, the public sees an ungrateful attention seeking trouble maker. When an adoptive parent supports an adopetes rights to feel and be comforted for whatever feelings they have in adoption, the public is met not only with how compassionate the adoptive parent in question must be, but also that perhaps there is validity to adoptees feelings.
Your blogs, your words, are changing the world. You will or already have met first parents who are in so mucdh pain they will never be able to trust you. You will/have met adoptees who have been so harmed by their experience in adoption that you only trigger the deep pain and anger adoption brings to them. Please don't get discouraged. People are listening. People are reading and thinking.
When I run into adoptive parent blogs these days I randomly see evidence of awareness towards issues that NO adoptive parents had a clue about prior to the boom in adoption movements online that have sprung up in the last 5 years. It amazes me. Granted it's not the norm. But it's a start.
So what are some ways that you can bring ethics and compassion into your adoption journey? If you are pre-placement, here are some basic steps to ensure you will not look back and regret your role in the adoption.
1. Consider older children in foster care. I know this is not for everyone, but do consider it. These kids need homes so badly. Fifty percent of kids who don't get adopted will be homeless. Homeless. About one fourth of homeless people aged out of foster care. You are needed. White healthy newborns will be adopted. And wants more, the larger percentage of white healthy newborns would be kept and parented (with great joy) by the first parent if no one would adopt. The newborns are safe. The kids already in the foster system are not.
**Please note, not all children in the foster system want to be adopted. Consider offering an adoptive home to a child or teen in the foster system who has expressed an interest in having a home. Don't try to change your adoptive child's name, or necessarily expect that they will see you as "parent" when they first meet, or maybe every if they are a teen. They have already formed an identity and often already know who their parents are. You might ask them what they would like to call you, maybe by your first names or something else if the child suggests it.
2. Consider infants or toddlers whose parents have already had their rights terminated. When adopting infants or toddlers from the foster system, you often have an opportunity to provide a good foundation for a child to experience love, healthy relationships, and genuine family life. The fees, if any, are usually a fraction of the cost of adopting a newborn infant domestically. I'm not going to pretend it's easy, there are in fact sometimes even more hoops to walk through, and it's not always a shorter wait. But you can know that the child who is to become your baby really truly will have a better life because of you.
**Again, this is considering how the system works right now. Consider becoming an advocate of abuse prevention programs and crisis family support programs that intend to meet the needs of at risk families before CPS is needed to get involved (or to mitigate CPS's involvement)
3. If you decide to adopt a new born domestically, you first ethical consideration is choosing an agency. Here are some questions to ask your agency.
-Do you believe that all children born to unwed or young moms are better off with adopted parents?
-What material to you give expectant parents about parenting resources?
-Can I see it?
-Do you mention the negatives of parenting in greater quantity than the positives?
-If a woman feels overwhelmed, confused, or a lack of confidence do you hel her work through those issues?
-Is making an adoption plan the only option you have to offer her to regain confidence and empowerment in her life?
-Do you help her find solutions to the things she's afraid she can't provide, and point out some of those things may be possible?
-Do you ask her if she is being pressured by friends or family?
-Do you tell her that some studies indicate adoptees may be negatively affected by adoption?
-Do you tell her that some studies indicate that children of highly incolved consistant single parents may do nearly or as well as their peers in two parent homes?
-Do you tell her that while she may know that her heart will break and she will ache for many years and/or her whole life, there are many adoptees out there who feel that ache also?
-While not every adoptee feels that way, it could be her child?
-Do you tell her that some adoptees are really angry about being placed even if their adoptive parents made it sound nice? That that could be her child?
-Do you tell her that it really might be ok for children to stay in a single parent home with a dedicated single parent?
-Do you remind her that adoptive parents can get divorces too, and there is no evidence they divorce less than the general population of parents?
You can get an idea of exactly how the expactant parents are being counsiled from their answers. Almost all agencies claim to offer "non-biased" counseling, but saying, "It's your choice, just do the right choice, the loving choice. Put the baby first," when there are poster all over saying "Adoption is the loving choice" is not "non-biased".
4. Ask around, talk to first parents and adoptees, about the agencies you're debating between and see if you can pick the most ethical option.
5. If you can, ask the expectant mother if she needs emotional support, and if there is any part of her that really does want to parent. Consider offering her your support and that you believe in her to parent (if you she doesn't have drug addiction issues or history of abuse etc). If she decides to place with you and you have told her this, you may feel really relieved years later. You can know you helped try to keep the family together and your adopted child and the firstmother of your adopted child, will both know you did that.
6. Read about ethics in adoption. Read from firstparents, read from adoptees, read from other insightful adoptive parents. Open your eyes and be willing to listen and let your vision of adoption not be what you want it to be but in line with the truth. This doesn't mean everything you read will be the truth, but it is all worth reading to help you see the truth as well as possible.
7. Blog about what you've discovered. Share new ideas you see about adoption reform and ethical adoption counseling, and issues in adoption.
You can change the world.
If you are an adoptive parent or a PAP, know this, you have a greater amount of power than you can fully realize. We need you to open your eyes, witness the suffering of the system as it is, make sure that you adopt and continue with your adoption journey as ethically as possibly, and advocate for ethical practices in your blogs, to the agencies, and in the way you live your life. While the public hears a biological mother rambling about her pain and loss and sees a complainer, an adoptive parent advocating for compassion for the loss of first families reaches people on a more profound level.
While the public hears an adoptee who even kindly claims that they are worried about ethics in adoption and say they have felt a loss, the public sees an ungrateful attention seeking trouble maker. When an adoptive parent supports an adopetes rights to feel and be comforted for whatever feelings they have in adoption, the public is met not only with how compassionate the adoptive parent in question must be, but also that perhaps there is validity to adoptees feelings.
Your blogs, your words, are changing the world. You will or already have met first parents who are in so mucdh pain they will never be able to trust you. You will/have met adoptees who have been so harmed by their experience in adoption that you only trigger the deep pain and anger adoption brings to them. Please don't get discouraged. People are listening. People are reading and thinking.
When I run into adoptive parent blogs these days I randomly see evidence of awareness towards issues that NO adoptive parents had a clue about prior to the boom in adoption movements online that have sprung up in the last 5 years. It amazes me. Granted it's not the norm. But it's a start.
So what are some ways that you can bring ethics and compassion into your adoption journey? If you are pre-placement, here are some basic steps to ensure you will not look back and regret your role in the adoption.
1. Consider older children in foster care. I know this is not for everyone, but do consider it. These kids need homes so badly. Fifty percent of kids who don't get adopted will be homeless. Homeless. About one fourth of homeless people aged out of foster care. You are needed. White healthy newborns will be adopted. And wants more, the larger percentage of white healthy newborns would be kept and parented (with great joy) by the first parent if no one would adopt. The newborns are safe. The kids already in the foster system are not.
**Please note, not all children in the foster system want to be adopted. Consider offering an adoptive home to a child or teen in the foster system who has expressed an interest in having a home. Don't try to change your adoptive child's name, or necessarily expect that they will see you as "parent" when they first meet, or maybe every if they are a teen. They have already formed an identity and often already know who their parents are. You might ask them what they would like to call you, maybe by your first names or something else if the child suggests it.
2. Consider infants or toddlers whose parents have already had their rights terminated. When adopting infants or toddlers from the foster system, you often have an opportunity to provide a good foundation for a child to experience love, healthy relationships, and genuine family life. The fees, if any, are usually a fraction of the cost of adopting a newborn infant domestically. I'm not going to pretend it's easy, there are in fact sometimes even more hoops to walk through, and it's not always a shorter wait. But you can know that the child who is to become your baby really truly will have a better life because of you.
**Again, this is considering how the system works right now. Consider becoming an advocate of abuse prevention programs and crisis family support programs that intend to meet the needs of at risk families before CPS is needed to get involved (or to mitigate CPS's involvement)
3. If you decide to adopt a new born domestically, you first ethical consideration is choosing an agency. Here are some questions to ask your agency.
-Do you believe that all children born to unwed or young moms are better off with adopted parents?
-What material to you give expectant parents about parenting resources?
-Can I see it?
-Do you mention the negatives of parenting in greater quantity than the positives?
-If a woman feels overwhelmed, confused, or a lack of confidence do you hel her work through those issues?
-Is making an adoption plan the only option you have to offer her to regain confidence and empowerment in her life?
-Do you help her find solutions to the things she's afraid she can't provide, and point out some of those things may be possible?
-Do you ask her if she is being pressured by friends or family?
-Do you tell her that some studies indicate adoptees may be negatively affected by adoption?
-Do you tell her that some studies indicate that children of highly incolved consistant single parents may do nearly or as well as their peers in two parent homes?
-Do you tell her that while she may know that her heart will break and she will ache for many years and/or her whole life, there are many adoptees out there who feel that ache also?
-While not every adoptee feels that way, it could be her child?
-Do you tell her that some adoptees are really angry about being placed even if their adoptive parents made it sound nice? That that could be her child?
-Do you tell her that it really might be ok for children to stay in a single parent home with a dedicated single parent?
-Do you remind her that adoptive parents can get divorces too, and there is no evidence they divorce less than the general population of parents?
You can get an idea of exactly how the expactant parents are being counsiled from their answers. Almost all agencies claim to offer "non-biased" counseling, but saying, "It's your choice, just do the right choice, the loving choice. Put the baby first," when there are poster all over saying "Adoption is the loving choice" is not "non-biased".
4. Ask around, talk to first parents and adoptees, about the agencies you're debating between and see if you can pick the most ethical option.
5. If you can, ask the expectant mother if she needs emotional support, and if there is any part of her that really does want to parent. Consider offering her your support and that you believe in her to parent (if you she doesn't have drug addiction issues or history of abuse etc). If she decides to place with you and you have told her this, you may feel really relieved years later. You can know you helped try to keep the family together and your adopted child and the firstmother of your adopted child, will both know you did that.
6. Read about ethics in adoption. Read from firstparents, read from adoptees, read from other insightful adoptive parents. Open your eyes and be willing to listen and let your vision of adoption not be what you want it to be but in line with the truth. This doesn't mean everything you read will be the truth, but it is all worth reading to help you see the truth as well as possible.
7. Blog about what you've discovered. Share new ideas you see about adoption reform and ethical adoption counseling, and issues in adoption.
You can change the world.
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